A Rip At The Seams

alright so no one IRL knows this really but i have talked to my doctor regaurding getting weightloss surgery. i currently am signed up to attend the seminar that is held by the surgeons office (which is in Hyannis on Jan 7th), and from there i get to make my first appointment with the surgeon. this entire thing is still hush hush because every time i would bring it up with my mother or any family member really in the past i would get an OMG YOUR NOT DOING THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH... so i just went ahead and did it all myself. some close friends know that i have had the discussion with my doctor but other than that its on the d/l.
i am very eager to get this done... and have wanted it for years. i am 21 yo and my BMI is 45! that is ridiculous!!!!!! i have an almost 1 yo and i want to have more children. i want to be healthy enough to have a normal pregnancy without the scare of omg whats going to happen because i am so over weight. with x i gained 47lbs!! the weight from that is now gone but i peaked 351 lbs before delivery!!!!! my highest weight ever... that was a major downer.
i have been on diet upon diet upon diet. the max ive ever lost was this last time that i was on WW... 27lbs! that was very exciting... but i had to stop it because the cost for the program was out of our budget. and i have gained most of the weight back...
i dont want to be nobodys skinner stick girl... i just want to be able to wear a size 12 maybe... i dont remember the last time my pant size didnt have a 2 in the front or my shirt size wasnt an X something!
i dont think im ugly... but my body is disgusting. rolls upon rolls upon rolls... ugh!
i want to be a good role model for my child/children (whom id like to have) and an obese mommy telling you to run around and eat your veggies... what is that going to prove? YOU DONT WANT TO LOOK LIKE MOMMY DO YOU!!!!!!1 :(

alright now that that is all out in the open...