so am i now aloud to be happy?
since when did miracles start happening for me?

so i just watched the entirety of Twilight online at work...
i get the same reactions every time i see it.
it always makes me cry... not because its a sad movie but because theres true love...
and i get to leave here and go home to roy..........
who in the last 2 years that we have gotten back together has YET to tell me he loves me.
wtf is wrong with me...

*end*

i've got baby fever....

i need to go home to my son lol

i literally have less than 50 dollars for 2 weeks.... lovely

GOD I COULD FUCKING KILL ROY!!!

so... we just had to put another one of our cats to sleep because of liver cancer...
thats our second cat that has had it..........

alright so no one IRL knows this really but i have talked to my doctor regaurding getting weightloss surgery. i currently am signed up to attend the seminar that is held by the surgeons office (which is in Hyannis on Jan 7th), and from there i get to make my first appointment with the surgeon. this entire thing is still hush hush because every time i would bring it up with my mother or any family member really in the past i would get an OMG YOUR NOT DOING THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH... so i just went ahead and did it all myself. some close friends know that i have had the discussion with my doctor but other than that its on the d/l.
i am very eager to get this done... and have wanted it for years. i am 21 yo and my BMI is 45! that is ridiculous!!!!!! i have an almost 1 yo and i want to have more children. i want to be healthy enough to have a normal pregnancy without the scare of omg whats going to happen because i am so over weight. with x i gained 47lbs!! the weight from that is now gone but i peaked 351 lbs before delivery!!!!! my highest weight ever... that was a major downer.
i have been on diet upon diet upon diet. the max ive ever lost was this last time that i was on WW... 27lbs! that was very exciting... but i had to stop it because the cost for the program was out of our budget. and i have gained most of the weight back...
i dont want to be nobodys skinner stick girl... i just want to be able to wear a size 12 maybe... i dont remember the last time my pant size didnt have a 2 in the front or my shirt size wasnt an X something!
i dont think im ugly... but my body is disgusting. rolls upon rolls upon rolls... ugh!
i want to be a good role model for my child/children (whom id like to have) and an obese mommy telling you to run around and eat your veggies... what is that going to prove? YOU DONT WANT TO LOOK LIKE MOMMY DO YOU!!!!!!1 :(

alright now that that is all out in the open...

so i came to work today and found a little bag on the desk with my name on it...

the bag was from swarovski but i just assumed that it was just an extra bag to put something in.

i open it up and inside is a velvet bag with swarovski crystal earrings! FOR ME!!!!

the are gorgeous! nothing too special but they are definetly me. i have them in right now... i love them!

there was a note that said: 21st birthday and xmas combined gift! :)

i was in complete shock... i had to call my mom and tell her!

what a great way to start the day!!

not such a great picture so ill find one online to show you....

New Scrap Page!

worst day!!!
roys being more of a dick then usual
and i just checked my account again and it was negative AGAIN!!!
i just love throwing away money! WTF!!!!!!

today sucks....

so X's eyes were an amber color the other day...
and all i could think was...
AWWW EDWARD!!!!!!!! lol
i r loser!

ill be 21 tomorrow!
so look for an upcoming post about the festivities and pics!!!!!

weeeeee

GOD I AM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW.....
(YES SO FRUSTRATED THAT I MUST TYPE IN CAPS!!)

WHY THE FUCK DONT PEOPLE TELL ME THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I FEEL LIKE JUST GOING TO YOUR WORK AND YELLING AT YOU SO THAT I FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!!
DAMMMMMMMMMMMITTTTT

Turkey Day.... and more

So Thanksgiving was an event... there was a whole lot of people there. and it was alright up until the very end where people need to learn to think before they speak. yes and there was no alcohol involved! so at the end X and I ended up leaving and barely saying goodbye.

But there we went to mamma and bumpos and that was nice. it was quiet there and X likes crawling around everywhere and touching everything.

this weekend Melissa and Eddie stayed over a couple of days so that was nice... getting to spend some time with someone who wasnt my family. We went to hang out with Mindi for some girl time which was awesome! We played games and sang karaoke! I have some pics from that on my camera.

Then yesterday I went to Super Walmart with my mom and dad. and im so close to being finished with my Xmas shopping! just a couple more people to buy for THANK GOD! I just want to be able to enjoy the holiday and not have to worry about money anymore for gifts and stuff.. then after the holiday is when i get to start paying my parents back for the loans they have given me for shopping and bills... :-/

Oh yeah and I got my christmas cards all printed up. just need to start filling out the envelopes and send them out to everyone!!! they are pretty dang cute! I was gonna make my own but walmart was only 30 cents a piece so i got 30 of them for 12 bucks and they came with envelopes and everything!!

We took the christmas photo at my moms... here are a couple shots from that!
My Xyander Clause:

so im at work today and i completely forgot that the doctor is on vaca next week... so i have absolutely nothing to do...............
i knew i should have grabbed Twilight before I left the house this morning.

Posting my christmas list...
why?
because i want you to buy me stuff...
no not really im just at work and had to put it somewhere so i could have it when i got home.
i know i could have just emailed it to myself but..... SHUT UP!

1. crockpot
2. cricut with a couple cartridges
3. kitchenaid stand mixer
4. tattoo money
5. wii fit (lol like i have a wii...)
6. membership to a gym (possibly with childcare)
7. side tables for my bedroom
8. remote car starter
9. gift cert. to get car detailed
10. a/c moore gift cert.
11. hot topic gift cert.
12. dunkins gift cert.
13. money
14. winter jacket/hoodie type thing with fur inside!!

what a day of mixed emotions...
what the fucking is going on in my head.
one minute im up and the next i am down.
i wish i know what was happening

id give anything to find my "Edward"...................
or feel love at all in that case.

This is how I feel today...

today is a total clean the house day.... hopefully the LO cooperates!!

heres to starting CORE on WW...
hopefully i can drop some more weight!
*luck*

i can already feel the stress building.......

i gained 2 pounds...
which has lead to a major downfall of depression.
i dont want to do anything.

right now all i want is to eat chocolate

ok back on diet...
ive had carrot sticks, an apple, rice cakes, coffee, water, cucumbers... so far today!
to be ruined by my trip to the mall later to fufill my twilight fix and my neeeeed for orange chicken! (or is it need for twilight and fix of orange chicken... well either way!!)

i am so far behind on all my internets things... :(
i have to do some catching up at work tomorrow...

had cake decorating today. we did cuppy cakes! it was fun and we learned how to do some cool flowers!!

BLEH i neeed to stop eating!!!!!!!!

god ive been on a bad eating binge lately...
someone stop me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:(

alright so just got wicked hit on by this creepy 52 year old guy at work...
i feel dirty and need to bathe lol.

speaking of being hit on....
mindi and i were at hot topic on friday night and the kid that works there was wicked hitting on me too! but that was ok because he was like my age and was pretty hot! hopefully i can go to the Twilight listening party there and see him because it seemed like he was begging me to go... lol

yesterday was eventful...
went to the fire prevention thing at the bandshell which is always a place for photo ops. it would have been more fun if it wasnt so damn windy!
then we went to the scavenger hunt with Mikey and Matthew. it was alright... a nice walk down main street... i love seeing all the fall window displays! then we went to make gingerbread haunted houses... (well they were made of graham crackers) .
Afterwards at home I made a carrot cake with homemade creamcheese frosting for Nana's birthday (which was yesterday)! We also had put flowers up at her grave on the way home from the fire fighter thing.
the cake was good! Roy and I were the only ones who had a piece of it yesterday...

but anyway... today is pretty chilly out. definetly need to bundle up if you want to head outside!

going to Mindis tonight to work on makeup for our halloween costumes!
im so excited... a night out with out X! yayy!
and i cannnnnnnnot wait until halloween....
i just need to like stop eating so that i can be sure that my costume will fit...
last night i was on a candy binge! gummy bears, laffy taffy, fruit snacks, 100 grand, oh henry, take 5, goobers, raisinettes........ bad times. but it was all so good.
i immediately regretted it... but its over with now.
im trying to do so much better!
NEED MORE WILL POWER DAMMIT!!!!!!!
it would be so much better if the meer thought of salad didnt make me want to vomit.
but i guess thats what happens when its all you eat for 3 months... :(

anyway....
at work now so i guess i should get to doing some actual work...

i have an actual bedroom now...
not just a room witha bed in it and clothes thrown about!
i am so excited!
yesterday i did a huge cleaning of my room and bought a new bed set and curtains!
it looks so relaxing...
all it needs now is some wall decor and accessories!
yayy

WW Progress

today will be full of cake decor and party planning and make up and babies...
it should be fun!
Mindi and Jon are coming down this afternoon so we can get working on the previously stated!

yesterday X played in the sand for the first time... he didnt really eat that much which i was suprised but he just crawled right up the "mountain" of sand that Mikey and Matthew have. and he started playing right along with them... digging and all!
it was cute!

oh yeah i never said...
i bought SPANX to just make sure that my costume fits!!!!!
and i bought some fishnets to go with it!
CANT WAIT!!!!!

i dont love him

god i am way too freakin nice....... i just told some patient that i would meet her here tomorrow at 1 so that she can get her glasses and wont have to wait until tuesday. i wont even be getting paid for that. WTF is wrong with me. TOMORROW IS FREAKIN SATURDAY........ dammit!

Bakin'

baked my monkey cake for the wilton class tomorrow night. and the frosting i made this morning. IT IS YUMMY!!!!
So we shall see how class goes tomorrow night, last week was pretty damn boring!
We are learning roses soon so yayyyy!

Vamp

so because of my obvious obsession with Twilight... i decided to go as a Vampiress for halloween...

this is the costume i just bought... hoping that it fits and i look as awesome i think im gonna! i gots the teeth and the make up and everything so i am very excited!
Roy is going as a Vampire as well!
and we got Xyander a bat costume!
its gonna be adorable and awesome!!!!


did some digi scrapping today...
ill post some pages when im not freezing...
i need to take a HOT shower and go read Breaking Dawn!!!!!! hehehehhehehehhe

today

Today has been a little productive... which we all know is odd for me... I AM SO DAMN LAZY!!
I actually went through all of Xyanders clothes and pulled out stuff that didnt fit him anymore... I also dicovered that he doesnt have a lot of pants... which sucks. but hes got enough shirts to wear every day for over a month! lol
I also picked up the living room and cleaned his room.
I want to get some scrapping done too but I am wasting his nap surfing the internet.... oh well.
im trying to do better on my diet... i have lost a total of about 72 lbs since X was born. yayy me!!! hehehe im doing pretty well today but we will just take it one day at a time. Weight watchers is definetly helping me see how much crap i was eating...
Well scrapping i must go.

OMG OMG OMG

alright so i finished the big chunk of the work i had to do...
so i decided that id do some web searching...
i stumbled upon a Twilight quotes site...
and of course because im dumb... i started reading the snippets from the next book...
OMG i cant wait to read it......................
Marriage, and Love, and Vampire sex (lol), and *sigh*...

WAKE UP BECKIE!!!!!

Obsession

Twlight...
the entire series has me taken...
I am currenlty 3/4 of the way through Eclipse (the third book) and I never want to put it down. When i read it its like i leave this town and head straight to Forks... with vampires and werewolves and love and war!
I dream of this book and its contents is all i have on my mind lately. its rediculous. I am like inlove with this fictional vampire boy (man)!
Crazy Crazy Crazy...
And I am going to be so disappointed when I finish the series... and more disappointed when the movie doesnt live up to the book.
*sigh* what is one to do........ ill never find someone like Edward :(